Trivial Pursuits

Second Annual NFL Draft Mockery

I will not go gentle into that good night.  The night I refer to is what I also term the long, dark, winter of my summer, and it is the bleak landscape of footballlessness that settles in right after the NFL Draft.  Spring scrimmages are over in CFB, training camp doesn't start until mid July.  Rage, rage, against the dying of the light.

But, we will go out with a bang, not a whimper, as Botman and Milton bring you our Second Annual NFL Draft Mockery: Round 1.  There may or may not be a second round mockery as well, but Botman has refused to assist with that endeavor, so I'm on my own with that won.

Standard caveats: neither of us are NFL GMs (no, really!), it's unrealistic but we're going to assume no trades because it's a giant pain in the @ss to do it otherwise.

Deranged

It's pretty easy to get used to being wrong when it happens like 5 times an hour. Apparently, I was deranged (pace Dylan) enough to actually argue with Kevin when he asserted that Ricky Williams was a flake.

Temporary insanity, I say.

Can't !@##$in' Be!!!

No. Please no. Ricky, we need you, baby. Really, we do.

Maybe the Dolphins can win 6 games this year without Ricky Williams.

In case you hadn't heard, Ricky Williams, 27, star RB for the Miami Dolphins, has announced his retirement from the National Football League.

Let's be clear. I like Ricky Williams, and not just because he's an outstanding football player and a hard worker, but because he seems, by all accounts, to be a very intelligent, thoughtful, and fascinating person. Certainly not the stereotypical jock.

Both Ms. TP and I found his public battle with social anxiety disorder (and his apparent success in living with the condition), and the manner in which he expressed and carried himself, revealing and forthright.

Recently, Dan le Batard, a (frequently annoying but sometimes insightful) columnist for the Miami Herald, and a close friend of Mr. Williams, penned an article explaining that the Williams had purchased a 1974 Volkswagen passenger van (i.e., the Mystery Machine), and had driven it across the outback of Australia. Williams slept in the van. And he took the monthlong trip by himself.

Williams says:

"'People who are brave are the ones who face their fears, not the ones who pretend not to have any,'' Williams says. ``It's easy to put on a mask. It's hard to show your [rear]. Accept who you are. Life is hard enough without fighting yourself.

The first sentence resembles something an Israeli Nazi-hunter and teacher I once knew explained courage to me: 'anyone who says that courage is the absence of fear is wrong. Courage is not allowing one's fear to control.' And purveyors of TP may or may not be aware that TP is absolutely fascinated with masks, both physically and metaphysically. Being S. African by birth, I was always raised in homes adorned with (mostly) African masks. Ma TP has a wall of approximately 20-25 museum quality African masks(Bonus points to anyone who can identify the recent kick@ss movie the source for this line: "Any money in those--Incan burial masks?").

Plus, Nietzsche, a favorite of TP's wrote ad nauseum about masks and their significance. Frantz Fanon has some insights as well, in a conceptual sense.

In any case, the Rickster himself is fascinating, and I've always liked him. In announcing his retirement, he stated that "I was never strong enough to not play football, but I'm strong enough now."

I think that's a thoughtful, even if ultimately unconvincing to some, take on his decision. I understand Robert Smith felt similarly when he retired in 1998, as a free agent, fresh off of two consecutive Pro Bowl seasons.

So, I don't think any less of Ricky Williams as a person, acknowledging, of course, that I have never met the man.

But this doesn't bode well for the Dolphins. Disaster. Debacle. Sports catastrophe of biblical proportions (thanks to the greatest comic strip ever, Bloom County, for the line).

For the Cowboys, Quantity Equals Quality

The 2004 NFL Draft is less than 20 hours away. The fact that I am counting down the hours til I get to see Mel Kiper's head should tell you something about the severity of my post-NFL season depression. Alas, Milton was spot on when he noted that the draft marks the NFL fan's descent into Hell. But we're not there yet. So before we descend, I offer some free advice to Jerry Jones: TRADE DOWN!

The #22 slot is first round No Man's Land, especially given the talent available to fill Dallas' many needs. The worst need is at running back (restricted free agent Troy Hambrick hasn't even been signed yet), but O-Line and cornerback are not far behind. Oregon State's Stephen Jackson is the best RB available, but he'll be gone by the time Dallas picks. Kevin Jones will probably be available at 22, but Botman doesn't think he's a "Parcells guy." Breaks too many runs outside, and generally just isn't a "tough" runner.

That said, Kevin Jones is markedly better, IMO, than the Chris Perrys and Greg Joneses of the draft, who should both be available later in the first round. Jerry's draft day choice, it seems to me, will be whether to take Kevin Jones at 22 (Arkansas' O-lineman Shawn Andrews will probably go to Miami at 20), or trade down for an extra pick and hope Perry and/or Greg Jones fall to #29 or so. I say go with the latter.

Chris Perry has much better hands than Kevin (or Greg) Jones, and is a bit more of the bruiser Parcells traditionally looks for. At 22, Perry is a reach. At the bottom of the first round, he's a great value. In the second round, Jerry will probably be able to select Shawn Andrews' brother Stacy, who may end up being a better pro than his brother anyway. Stacy is a rather large individual, standing 6'4", and weighing in at 366 pounds. Yikes.

Many Cowboy draftniks think Larry Allen will get packaged with a pick so Jerry can move up. But move up for what? Stephen Jackson? Please say it ain't so. LA is still the glue holding the Cowboys' line together. I, for one, can't help but think our record will suffer next season without him on the roster. As it stands, without LA the 'Boys will have Pro Bowl left tackle Flozell Adams and a bunch of warm bodies (DeMingo Graham, Matt Lehr and Andre Gurode for the two guard spots; Kurt Vollers, Javiar Collins, and Torrin Tucker duking it out for RT). Uninspiring, to say the least.

So here's my fearless prognostication for the first two rounds:

#22 Dallas trades with #27 Tennessee, picks up Tennessee's fourth (maybe fifth) round pick (can't go below Philly at #28, as the Iggles may take a running back).

#27 Dallas selects Chris Perry, RB, Michigan.

#20 (second round) Dallas selects Stacy Andrews, OT, Ole Miss.

BTW, the NFL season starts in 142 days. I may start crying.

TP's Mockery of the 2004 Draft

Welcome to the First Annual TPFL 2004 Draft. If you don't like football, go away. If you don't like sports, go away. Otherwise, continue on with the highest quality TP, which you will need after working a great @ss groove on your sofa this weekend, as the NFL Draft commences. For us desperate football fans, the NFL draft really signifies our descent into Football-less hell. Spring camps are over for college football, recruiting is relatively quiet, training camp doesn't open until mid July in the NFL. We refuse to go gentle into that good night, however, and so we present our Mockery of the 2004 NFL Draft.

Abandon all hope, ye who enter here.

Obnoxious Fan's Sports Roundup

Let's begin with Jayson Stark's take on the Florida Marlins:

We'll warn you right now: They may have lost Derrek Lee, Pudge Rodriguez and Ugueth Urbina -- but you'd better not forget them.

"We haven't," said the Phillies' Jim Thome. "And I don't think anybody should."

"Florida still has enough pieces to win," said the Braves' John Smoltz.

"The question," said Phillies reliever Tim Worrell, the closer for that Giants team Florida bounced out of the playoffs last year, "is not so much, 'Is the league overlooking them?' as it is, 'Are they going to believe in themselves the way they did last year?' "

Are they going to believe in themselves? Fascinating question.

On one level, that seems kind of like asking if Adam Sandler believes he's funny, or if Heidi Klum believes she's good-looking, or if Bill Gates believes he can pay the electric bill. Because if there's one thing we learned about those Florida Marlins last year, it's that they sure as heck believed in themselves.

In case we need to refresh your memory, just in the postseason alone, they won one game in which they trailed in extra innings. And another in which they threw out the winning run at the plate with two outs in the ninth. And another in which they trailed Mark Prior by three runs with five outs to go. And two in which they blew a lead with two outs in the ninth.

Stark concludes:

They're still disruptive on the bases. And plenty resourceful offensively. And as good as anyone defensively. So just as the world made a biggggg mistake not noticing all that talent the Marlins rolled out there last October, you would be making just as big a mistake to underestimate the talent that remains this year.

Very well said, but that is standard for Stark, whose columns I usually find among the most interesting and thought-provoking in sports journalism.

Let's turn to some NFL draft analysis, shall we? Always a pleasant topic for a Hurricane fan. The GBN Report, the best free draft site, IMO, offers the following write-up of Sean Taylor:

Taylor is the type of player who does not come around very often. He has supreme playmaking ability and plays with a lot of heart. Is the most complete player in the draft and is the number one player in the draft regardless of position. Has the ability to consistently dominate opponent and changes the outcomes of games from his safety position. May fall to sixth pick in draft because of position and sub par workout.

*Snicker* SuperTaylor ran a 4.5 40 with a tweaked hamstring. He's 6'3" 230--4.5 on a bad day is still pretty freaking good. Especially given that everyone knows he is both faster in terms of track speed and football speed. Amazing. SuperTaylor: best player in entire draft.

Regarding K2:

Blocking ability is above average for a pass receiving tight end and Winslow is generally under estimated in this department. Is a pesky blocker who is aggressive, tenacious, and athletic.

Definitely. This one bugs me; people who didn't watch every single snap of Hurricane football like I did (plus spring game) display their ignorance when they say K2 is a subpar blocker. Last year, that was true, but no longer. He is actually an excellent blocker--especially for a pass receiving tight end.

The conclusion:

Winslow has a lot of hype to live up to and has something to prove at the NFL level; which is a heavy burden, but after watching film I think Winslow can successfully have an impact rookie season. He is a top ten player and will be most likely drafted by Washington, Detroit, or Cleveland. All three of those clubs would offer situations that would allow him to make an immediate impact.

Finally, consider this article from Dan Pompei at the Sporting News:

One of the most revered of the Ten Commandments of Drafting is, "Thou Shalt Not Taketh a Safety or a Tight End High."

Far be it from me to recommend flouting commandments. But perhaps we should burn this amendment into the tablet: "Excepteth When He Can Hit Like Sean Taylor Or Maketh Plays Like Kellen Winslow."

Whew, I feel better. It's been like a whole HOUR since I'd written an obnoxious sports fan post.

I Told You So

Good article by ESPN's John Clayton on Sean Taylor. He talks about how Taylor could be the next Ronnie Lott. I like some of the quotes from Taylor: he believes in himself, has no doubts in his ability, but also doesn't have a big head, is very coachable, and knows he has a lot to learn.

I think he is the best player in the entire draft, and it's good to know the scouts agree.

Len Pasquarelli, who I generally like a great deal, has an excellent column on Jon Vilma, whom is generally regarded as a virtual lock to be a 1st-round pick. On some draft boards he is rising higher than his more athletic teammate, D.J. Williams.

Weighing in at 230 lbs at the combine only helps Vilma's cause. Two teams whose schemes, IMO, would fit Vilma very well are the Colts and the Patriots. Vilma in Crennel's defense--yikes.

Finally, Vince Wilfork, who will be known by the TP Cognomen of Sandwiches, or, alternatively, Sammiches, did himself a huge favor by weighing in at the combine at 323 lbs, which represents a weight loss of close to 20 lbs, in my opinion. He did 36 reps as the bench press, demonstrating his great natural strength.

I can't see any way Sammiches doesn't get drafted in the top half of the first round, and to me, it would be a major mistake to pass on him for any team that needs a DT. Sammiches lived in offensive backfields the second half of the college football season. Only Darnell Dockett and Tommie Harris possess the explosion that Sammiches does, and each of them weight at least 30 lbs less than Sammiches does. That means neither Dockett nor Harris can play the NT in a 3-4 scheme, IMO.

Plus, count me among those who think Harris is overrated. He is certainly a good player, a talent, a sure-fire 1st round pick, but he's a bit of a tweener whose tendency to disappear for stretches against power running teams concerns me somewhat. I'm concerned that he might wear down as a DT in a 4-3 scheme, and he certainly could not play NT in a 3-4. He would make a fine DE in any scheme, however.

Still, I think Sammiches is more of a complete player. He's huge, commanded double teams on virtually every down, like Harris, and demonstrated an ability to plug the run with the quickness to get to the QB up the middle. Players like that, at DT, are at a premium in the NFL these days.

Taylor, Vilma, Wilfork. Amazing.

Current estimate of Hurricanes predicted to be drafted in the 1st round: six.

It's All About This U (NFL-U)

I'm predicting five Hurricanes go in the first round of the NFL Draft, with a distinct possibility of six going. The first one picked should be Sean Taylor, who some scouts are saying is the best Safety prospect since Ronnie Lott. And that includes Roy Williams (for the record, Roy Williams is overhyped. He is a terrific blitzer, and he is good but not great in run support because he hits well but is not the fundamentally soundest tackler, but the big problem is that he is darn close to a liability in coverage). Taylor is so good in coverage he can actually line up as a corner on slot receivers. It kills some of my friends who are Cowboy fans that come the 2004 season, there will be TWO safeties from the University of Miami, also known as the NFL Triple A Team, better than Williams (Taylor, and Ed Reed).

This website has a great listing of free mock drafts, and on all of these Taylor is a top 10 pick. Good article on FoxSports offers this amusing quote, among others:

Top 10 draft picks aren't supposed to be special teams studs, but Taylor is. He was a gunner on punt coverage for the Hurricanes and played on the punt-block unit. He returned kicks and punts on occasion last year and doesn't mind running down kickoff returners, either. [ed.--he actually blocked two punts last year]

"I told a scout, 'You may not want to use Sean on special teams, but he'll go out there if you ask him,' " [Hurricane Defensive Coordinator Randy] Shannon says. "He just wants to make plays, and special teams are an opportunity to do that."

Why stop there? Put Taylor on offense, too. Or let him kick. Or coach. The guy can do it all.

Indeed. As we get closer to the NFL Draft, I'll be offering my own takes on how the draft is shaping up, followed by one or more mock drafts. Hint: It'll be full of Hurricanes. Again. As always.