Trivial Pursuits

Friday Spies

1. What is the earliest movie you remember watching in the theater?

Return of the Jedi.  I remember being terrified by the Emperor's gruesome lightning-torture of Luke.  Not nearly as gruesome as Luke himself, of course, after Mark Hamill's motorcycle accident.

2. If you could strike one word from the English language, which
word would you choose and why?

Panties.  Yuck. 

3. If you were a superhero, what would be your kryptonite?

The realm of my evil arch-nemesis, Lord Silentio, within which the human larynx does not function.

4. Would you rather win an Emmy, Grammy, Tony, Golden Globe, Oscar, Pulitzer, or Nobel Prize? What work would you win it for?

Prolly a Pulitzer for poetry.  My poetry has fallen off in the last few years.  Coincidentally, I've been a lawyer for three years now.  Yup.  Coincidentally, I say.

5. What is your catch phrase? Don't have one? Then make one up!

"Ohhhh . . . did you poop yourself?"

"That's a shame."

"I don't think sooooo!"

"That's not gonna be good for anybody."

"I believe you have my Swingline stapler."

Alright, alright, none of those (WAV file, SFW) are mine.  But they're so damn good.  My own little catch-phrase is probably,

"Hmm.  That's slightly less than ideal."

Friday Spies

1. What is the best thing about the city in which you live? What is the worst?

The best thing is clearly the restaurants.  Houston is a foodie's paradise.  Great gourmet grocery stores, amazing wine shops, incredible restaurants from varied cuisines.  I also love the pace of this city; it's very comforting and easy to live in, supports a wide range of activities, has a highly underrated and thriving arts community.  Dude, I love Houston.

Worst thing about Houston is how spread out it is, that you have to drive everywhere.  I hate driving.

2. Describe an idea or invention of yours that you would like to see turned into reality.

The Hydraulic Poop Blaster.  Tired of having to pickup after your dog? Worried that aliens will perceive the dog as the master? Never fear.  After your dog has done the deed, simply aim the nozzle at Gomer Pyle, depress the trigger, and via some kind of pneumatic-hydraulic thingamajiggy that TP hasn't yet invented, the poop is blasted to smithereens in a controlled radius.  It will thus biodegrade within the hour.

3. Name an overrated author, musician, and movie. Name an underrated author, musician, and movie.

Overrated Author: Charles Dickens.  Come on.  The crucial plot device in his greatest novel is a guy who looks EXACTLY like the protagonist, who just happens to reside in the same neighborhood of the same city of the same country at the exact right time?

He's the Jerry Bruckheimer of the 19th century.

Overrated Musician: Michael Bolton.  I worship the man's entire catalogue.  I don't know if it gets any better then when he sings, "When A Man Loves A Woman."

Seriously, overrated musician is L.L. Cool J.  He has some great songs, and I recognize his contribution to hip-hop, but I think the great body of his work is just mediocre.

Overrated Movie: L.A. Confidential.  Film noir was better the first time around.

Underrated Author: Murakami.

Underrated Musicians: NOFX.

Underrated Movie: Zero Effect.

4. If your life were a sitcom slated to air in the fall, what would the show be called? Who would you cast in the starring role? And for extra credit, give us a brief treatment of the show.

It would be called BigFlaw.

Starring role would obviously be Ron Livingston.

Show would be about nothing.  Everyone's doing something, we'll do nothing.

What, it's been done before?

Friday Spies

1. Live alone on a deserted island for 10 years or be paid handsomely to live at Neverland Ranch with the King of Pop for one year?

Thriller Night.  I'm pretty confident that I could thrash Jacko in a second if he attempted any smooth criminal behavior.

2. Be deaf or blind?

Deaf.  75% of our sensory input comes through our eyes.  My grandfather was deaf, actually.  He gradually went deaf in his mid-20s.  I used to be scared it would happen to me, too.

3. Have skin which changed color depending on your mood or visible sight lines?

Chamelon skin, baby.  I'd be the perfect assassin.  James Bond would have nothin' on me, the limey fruit.

4. Spend a year in prison or a year on tour with Celine Dion and John Tesh?

That's a tough one.  I don't think I'd like prison very much, so I'd have to go with the Dion-Tesh nightmare.  I would immediately implement the Blutarsky Coping Strategy: start drinking heavily.  Couldn't do that in prison. 

Plus, to quote Vince Vaughn from Old School, going on tour with Dion and Tesh, I'd probably get a lot of @ss, like boy band @ss (the amount, not the boy bands).

5. Have threesome with your close friends or with total strangers?

Total strangers.  Would be too weird otherwise.  I'm not sure I could make it as an orgy guy, as Seinfeld explained:

JERRY: I can't. I'm not an orgy guy.

GEORGE: Are you crazy? This is like discovering Plutonium ... by accident.

JERRY: Don't you know what it means to become an orgy guy? It changes

everything. I'd have to dress different. I'd have to act different. I'd have to

grow a mustache and get all kinds of robes and lotions and I'd need a new

bedspread and new curtains I'd have to get thick carpeting and weirdo lighting.

I'd have to get new friends. I'd have to get orgy friends.

... Naw, I'm not ready for it.

Friday Spies

1. What is a food you have tried but will never eat again, and what don't you like about it?

Raisins.  Raisins are the root of all evil.  Squishy, slimy, wrinkly, chewy.  A foul, foul blight upon the world.

Worst of all is that I know I'm going to eat them again because they're always tucked into everything, and they camouflage themselves as chocolate chips.  You want to see TP go green? Hand him a cookie with raisins in it and assure him it's a chocolate chip cookie.

The horror, the horror.

2. What are your five favorite possessions?

1.  Satellite radio Boombox.

2.  Rare, uncut first printed edition of E.E. Cummings' greatest single book of poetry, is five.

3.  mint 1820 colored map of Africa (TP and Ms. TP collect antique maps).

4.  antique 1930s circa Rolex, mint condition

5.  mini iPod

3. How do you deal with confrontation? Do you seek it out or do you avoid it? Are you more apt to be the confronter or the confronted?

Not generally a huge fan, but, as Fitz-hume said, sometimes, it cannot and should not be avoided.

I try my best not to seek it out.  That's part of the basic conflict I have in my self-defense training.  It requires a lot of confrontation -- verbal, emotional, physical.  Yes, it's all practice, but it's pretty intense practice, and sometimes, that induces a lot of anxiety in TP.

Lately, though, I've been able to let go of myself a little bit, just cut loose, let my body go and do what I've been training to do for almost 3 years now.

Daniel LaRusso, extreme tool that he is, said it best: we train so we don't have to fight, but if I do have to fight, I'm walking/running away and the other guy(s) aren't.

As far as non-physical confrontations, I try to avoid them generally, but I also think sometimes you just need to have it out with someone, get everything out there, and resolve it one way or the other.  I accept that a great number of people don't or won't like me.  That's cool; but there can still be respect and/or a professional relationship.

4. What will Michael Jackson be doing five years from now?

I may be the only person in the free world who just doesn't give a rat's @ss about Michael Effing Jackson.  He'll either be in prison or he'll be grabbing himself.  Or both.

5. What is the worst movie sequel ever made, what is the best sequel ever, and what movie should have had a sequel but didn't?

Not fair.  How can Fitz ask this question but then proceed to name all of the terrible sequels in existence?

Caddyshack II is an extremely strong candidate.  Leonard Part 6 might get my vote, except that I don't think there were any parts 1-5.

Best sequel? Godfather II is the obvious choice, but my favorite sequel is Before Sunset.  That is an absolutely phenomenal movie.  One of the best movies I've ever seen. 

What movie is in desperate need of a sequel? Can't think of a damn one, honestly.  I like ambiguity and unfinished narratives, because life is ambiguous and an unfinished narratives.  Loose ends don't bother me in the slightest.  They seem more real to me.

Friday Five

Keeping with the veritable explosion of blogging y'all have enjoyed the last few days (three posts in two days!), I offer the Friday Five:

1) What was your favorite toy as a child?

Hmmmm . . . I was a big fan of G.I. Joe.

2) What is your favorite toy now that you're "grown up"?

No idea.  I do like toys; I just don't seek them out.

3) What is the most dangerous toy you had growing up?

Dangerous? Odd question.  I have no idea.

4) What is the most dangerous toy you have now?

My Asian Princess Blow-Up Doll can be quite dangerous.

5) What one toy do you wish you had/have?

I don't know if this counts as a toy, but I've wanted a 6-foot-tall stuffed Hobbes (of the comic) to put in my bedroom ever since I was 10 years old.  Damn Bill Watterson.  Though I appreciate his integrity in refusing to license Calvin & Hobbes products, it's preventing me from getting my Hobbes.  If any of you know where to get one, I'll be eternally grateful.  I'll even trade you my blow-up doll.  (Calm down, Milbarge).

Friday Five

1. If you could have anything you wanted to eat for a day, what would you choose for your meals and snacks?

Breakfast: either challah french toast, or chocolate chip pancakes, with kona coffee and fresh canteloupe, honeydew, and strawberries.  Lunch: chicken or tuna salad sandwich, Sun Chips (TP LOVES Sun Chips), diet coke with lime, and real deli pickle.  Dinner: chicken with cashews and chili paste (not sauce, but paste--there's a big, big difference).

Snacks: Cookie Crisp, of course, challah with peanut butter (Peter Pan Creamy, Soup), lowfat goat cheese (an award-winning cheese found only at Central Market) with Carr's English Water Crackers, and Horizon organic nonfat yogurt.
2. Is there ever a dish/food or dessert you wanted to try but never had the opportunity, what is it?

Bacon.  Never had real bacon.  Turkey bacon is pretty yummy, so I can only imagine what real bacon tastes like.

3. What's a dish/food or dessert you've tried that you wish you hadn't?

Squid.  TP's all about texture. 

4. Ever watch cooking shows? (i.e. "Great Chefs," "Epicurious," etc.)

Indeed.  TP likes both Oliver's Kitchen and the Iron Chef, of course.

5. Are you hungry yet?

Indeed.  Fortunately, TP has a lunch set up at his favorite Thai restaurant.  so freaking good.

Friday Five

Been awhile since I've done one of these, so why the heck not?

1) Would you rather live in a world with or without technology such as computers, cars, airplanes, bombs?

With.  I'm a child of the modern world, through and through, with all its terrible flaws and imperfections.

2) If you had to live without either heating in your house or air conditioning, which one would you keep?

Duh.  AC.  I like cold weather.  Just bundle up, you dig? When I went to school in CT, my housemates and I used to live the windows open in winter.

3) If you had to own five dogs, what kind would you get?

Had to? I have owned five dogs at a time.  It's a privilege, though a bit of a zoo, as well.  My choices:

1) Rhodesian Ridgeback (grew up with these, they are African dogs)

2) Doberman Pinscher (never had one [yet], always wanted one)

3) English Bulldog (two in TP's immediate family, names are Petunia and Gorgeous Georgie)

4) Rottweiler (beautiful, amazing, incredibly misunderstood doggies)

5) Boxer

6) Boston Terrier.

Yes, I chose six.  Sue me.

4) If the world had a front porch, what would you do on it?

I'd get two giant, overstuffed arm chairs.  I'd run an extension cord in from the world's house, put a little fridge on the porch, stock it with sodas, Belgian beers of various flavors (Leffe & Maredsous are my personal faves).  I'd put a nice table in between the armchairs that would be hollow, like a cabinet, and inside I'd place a few bottles of high-quality Scotch, bourbon, and port, along with real crystal malt whisky and cordial glasses.

The top of the table would be finished in marble, and directly inlaid would be a backgammon board.  The counters and dice would be stored underneath the table.  A little boombox CD player would sit on top of the fridge, accompanied by an endless selection of Miles Davis (pre 1965, thank you), Nina Samone, Billie Holiday, Robert Johnson, Blind Lemon Jefferson, John Coltrane, Bach, Mozart, and Brahms.  Plus some high quality hip hop CDs.

That'd be sweet.

5) Would you rather live in a neighborhood where you know all of your neighbors by name, or where everyone sticks to their own business?

One of my favorite lines from one of my favorite poems:

"Good fences make good neighbors."  (Robert Frost, "Mending Wall")

Friday Five

1. If you have a phobia (or something close to one), what is it?

I don't like crowds at all--I call it a touch of claustrophobia.  It's made learning how to grapple quite the challenge.  When you weigh 165 lbs, having someone who outweighs you by 40, 50, even 75 lbs lying on top of you, when you're already working hard and out of breath, can be quite frightening.  Moreover, when you practice ju jitsu for a while, you learn how to use your body to work with gravity, so that with every square centimeter of contact, you are working with gravity to push down.  I recall grappling with one guy in particular who was only a few inches taller, and maybe 20 lbs heavier than I, but he had incredible body control, and was able to use what felt almost like crushing force just by lying on someone.

I also hate traveling by plane.  I do it all the time, but I generally do not enjoy it.  At all.

2. How long have you had the phobia (or something close to it)?

All my life.  When I was younger I refused to go in elevators.  I've never liked airplanes.

3. If you know anyone with a phobia (or something close to it), how does s/he act when s/he is experiencing it?

I'm guessing my little fear isn't sufficiently debilitating enough to qualify as a phobia (care to weigh in, Ms. TP?).  I don't know anyone with a full-on phobia, I don't think.

4. What is one phobia you would wish not to have?

Triskadekaphobia.  Not really, actually, I just love that word.  Hydrophobia (fear of water) would be tough.  Medorthophobia (fear of erect package) also doesn't sound like much fun.  Judeophobia, fear of Jews, would obviously present some problems, as would Japanophobia.

5. What is one phobia you wouldn't mind having, if you were to face one?

Well, because phobias are by definition debilitating, I would mind having any phobia.  But if I had to choose one, mysophobia (fear of dirt and contamination) doesn't sound that bad.  And, it was riffed on in a Seinfeld, which is always a plus.

Friday Five

A little late today, I know.  Sue me.

1. If you were a shoe, what would you look like?

Soft, flexible, molded to the foot, but with a hard point, capable of inflicting serious groinal pain.  A shoe fit for a Ninja Boy, of course.

2. If you were a t-shirt, what would you say?

Goldenboy.

3. If your house caught on fire and was burning to the ground...what is the one thing you'd save and why?

I have an original, uncut, first printing of my favorite EE Cummings book, is five.  The book was also signed by the man himself, with a wonderful inscription: "and this, too."  My parents gave me the book, protected by a lovely clamshell, as a gift for graduating law school.

4. If you were a book...would you read yourself?

Absolutely.  Full of paradoxes, twists and turns . . . I wouldn't be able to put it down.  I'd need to, though; it's a little intense.

5. If you could do anything at all (without consequences), what would you do?

One of my favorite underground rappers, J-Zone, has a song about this very topic, entitled "No Consequences."  I'll let Zone speak for himself:

"[I'd] roll through the ghetto pumpin Ice Ice Baby/you think I give a phuck/ better than the shit I heard lately."

Friday Five

1. What was the nicest thing anyone has ever said to you?

I do?

2. What was the meanest thing anyone has ever said to you?

About six months after my dad became paraplegic, it was a touchy situation.  The family's eagerness to help of course made him feel infirm and infantilized, so he told us that we were not to help him unless asked.  One afternoon, I was sitting on the couch watching TV, and dad was obviously struggling with something in his wheelchair.  I don't recall exactly what; I think perhaps one of his legs had fallen through the footrest and he could not get it out.

I could see he was struggling, but I was 13, and I wanted to follow his instructions as best I could.  After a few minutes, obviously infuriated, he snapped his head up and barked angrily at me, "Ach man [typical S. African interjection], you see I'm struggling, why don't you help me?!?!?!?" To which I replied, with typical adolescent indignity, "Dad, you told me not to help you unless you asked!!"

He replied, "@uck OFF!"

My father is an extremely gentle, patient person.  To hear him curse at me in such an adult manner, was such a complete and visceral shock to the system.  I'm not sure it was the meanest thing anyone's ever said, mostly because I readily forgave him quickly--he was struggling at losing his legs.  Who could blame him?

But it affected me deeply, and I'm not sure if I'll ever forget it.

3. At times, lots of people never tell us what they are really thinking. Who is the one person that you would really like to know what they are thinking (as far as how they feel about you), and why?

I'm not sure if there is one person.  My grandfather is an Orthodox rabbi.  In April, I told him I was marrying Ms. TP, who, if affiliated in the Western sense to any religion, is Buddhist.  All things considered, he took it rather well, but I wonder what he really thinks about it and me.  Is it a betrayal to him? Is it just a natural consequence of my family's emigration to America (In S. Africa, most Jews were Orthodox, but my grandfather has said he knew we would become less observant in moving to America)? Is he somewhat sad but mostly just happy for me? I wonder.

4. What was the nicest thing you have ever said to anyone?

'You've got a booger hanging out of your nose.'  How the hell would I know? I don't keep track of these things.

5. What was the meanest thing you have ever said to anyone?

See above.